Self-esteem

Grey man's self-esttem

How can the grey man feel nothing? At least he needs to have a little bit to self-esteem to create al this lifestyle to protect himself from the others, isn't it? Not exactly.

The grey man can not feel love, so he has not self-esteem; the most reasonable thing that a person has zero self-esteem  would have is a deep depression, or even he would suicide. 

 But depression makes the grey man feel bad, so he does not have depression; and suiciding would be an obstacle for all his goals, so he will suicide. 

So how ca he live? He feels himself as a third person, maybe as a machine; it is really difficult to exaplain and I do not know how to do it, it is like a different view of people and life that has no name yet.

Deforming the memory

Grey man's mind

Humans have memory, more or less, but it is a fact. The grey man has memory too.

The grey man has loved, and he has memories about those people who loved. This memories can affect to his lifestyle, and of course, he does not want it.

He self-destroys these memories. He manipulates his mind in order to destroy or to disort these memories. 

The human mind can be controlled, and this procedure requires time and a mental effort. I will tell you what he does: He thinks in fake memories that replace those memories that remind his loving moments. He strongly believes that the fake memories are true, and eventually with the time the love memories will vanish.

This process is slow, but it is possible to make it.

Maybe, in the future, with the advances in technology it will be easier and faster to do that.

The grey man loves

Grey's man heart, now

It is true, the grey man loves, and he hates himself beacuse of it. 

He does not want to love because he depends on the people he loves. So he has a double feeling, he loves and hates at the same time. He loves people because he is a human, and hates them for making him loving them. This people prevent him of being a true grey man, they are the last wall.

The grey man wants to find the way that he will not depend on the people he loves, that way he will lose those feeling, loves and hate, slowly and gradually.

The grey man

The grey man

I would like to summarize the features of what I will call: "the grey man". These features are explaine in a more extensive way at my 3 first posts, but I want to summarize them because in my following publications I am going to compare this "grey man" with other types of human philosophies and behaviour, such as nihilism or narcissism.
So the grey man does not feel love for anybody and is not loved. This prevents him of feeling pain for other people's acts and vice versa. He also does not want to feel happiness or pain, he prefers the neutral state. And finally he does not like being a human, he would like having no feelings.
The grey man is not a sad person, because he is in a neutral state, in an state of non-unhappiness.

Loving people

Metaphor of the 2 types of people hearts, whether they love or not

The majority likes having a family, friends, people around them that make them feel loved and lovers. They base their moral in love, they depend on how people does, how they feel, if they get hurt they will probably suffer too; and if someone who you appreciate does something that hurts you, this feeling of love that you had before will do this person acts worse, you will feel betrayed, and some other things that I cannot express with words.

Where want I to go? Well, I have thought about it a lot of time, and I can say that I am not sure if I want people around me that I love and I don't want also people that love me. What I want to say is that I don't want to love people and feel loved. How have I arrived here?  I don't like hurting people if they don't deserve it, I am no-one to judge people, but I cannot deny that I do it in my mind all the time.

If I don't love I won't depend on anybody's love. If I don't love I cannot hurt emotionally anybody. And if I am not loved people will not depend on me, so again, I cannot hurt them.

Is that a selfish behaviour? I am not sure about that, maybe if you start it having people love you and also having people you love it will be difficult, you may think that is for their safety, it could be, but remember they are losing a friend/partner/family member too. Another way of understanding this is focusing more on yourself, you do it for you, it's your own choice; you will not be hurt anymore, and you will not hurt. I relate this behaviour with a way of thinking of hapiness and pain. I will talk about it at the following publication.

So can somebody without loving and being loved in order to prevent pain? Maybe I will try, I think I am doing some firsts steps without knowing it.